~I Can't Bear it!

Everyday, it is a struggle. It feels like the same old things just keep happening, over and over again. I am sick of it. I feel suffocated knowing that there's no way out in this whole damn world. I feel pathetic; can't feel anything, just pain, sorrow, and hatred. I never felt joy, passion, love, and care. I consider myself a robot, having no emotions, never reacted on such situations; as if everything that's happening to me is just normal, and is just a part of life. Thinking that things just happen and are meant to happen and that's it. Sooner or later, it will soon be forgotten, meaningless. 

I lived in this world as if I am alone. No one to lean on, no one to shed my tears with, it is just me. Nobody's there for me so I learned how to protect myself. I have no choice! All I have is me. Every day, I am lost in my thoughts, wandering how to make a twist in this “cycle” like life of mine. Every day, is the same scenario. Alone, drifted with my thoughts, dreaming a different life, watching the people around me and asking myself, how could they have such feeling as happiness and joy? Why can't I have one? Is this the way I meant to live? Spending my life alone? 

The worst feeling that I ever had is to feel invisible because I know I am not. I prefer to be really invisible than feeling invisible. Too many rejections I cannot bear. What have I done wrong? I just wanted to feel loved; experience real laughs and smiles because I never had them. I really don't know how it feels to be loved so I consider myself incapable of loving for obvious reasons... I never felt love so how would I know how to? Everyone, who I considered important to me drifted away , all of them have left me alone.

In shadow I hide. In darkness I live; a world full of loneliness. I am trapped, and there's no way out.

Only through writing, I comprise the courage I yearned to have; the only thing that allows my voice to be heard; to express all my thoughts with no hesitations. I don't need to hide, I can reveal everything. Writing is the one that only gives me the feeling of being alive; a temporary escape from everything that's killing me.